Blended Uncertianty

Today has probably been the most confused I’ve been in a while. All we ever seem to do is fight.  And when I say fight I mean, I do a lot of yelling and he just sits there and says absolutely nothing.  I don’t even know if he’s listening.  The majority of me says no.  He only seems to want what he wants and that’s it.  I don’t want to call him selfish but it seems I have no other choice.

So why in the world did I try again, knowing that the train would never leave the station?  Maybe it was just for the sake of second chances.  I really don’t know.  What I do know though is I’m not happy.  I can’t tell him I love him in the way he wants.  So I think I’m going to get out now before I trap myself in something that doesn’t make me happy.

Where in the world do I go from there?  I break up with him, then what?  Just go back to blending?  People tell me all the time that I’m worth something, that anyone would want me.  I can’t fight the urge to laugh.  Who wants a nut case like me?  My friends and family tell me how great a person I am.  But aren’t they supposed to?  Aren’t the people you love supposed to bend the truth so you don’t get hurt?

Some days I believe them, some days I don’t.  Today seems to be a “don’t” day.  A huge part of me thinks that maybe what I’ve been telling myself is a lie.  That maybe some people are meant to be alone.  That not everyone has that special someone that gives them everything they could ever want, just by existing.  How long will it be before I find the one that wants me just as much as I yearn for them?  Will anyone want me despite every single flaw I have?  Or am I destined to be the old lady with nothing but a dozen puppies to keep her company?

I hope all these questions are answered.  I pray they prove me wrong.  Until then I’ll stick to the one’s who see past my blade-like exterior.  And maybe while I wait, I’ll whip up some smoothies.