White Noise

How long before the world permits that I fall to pieces?  How long do I have before the subtle buzz of the closest machine sends fingers tearing through my hair?  Perhaps if I pull hard enough, the bone-crunching pain will exceed any I've ever felt before.  Maybe, if I'm good, if I do exactly as I am told, it'll hurt too much to cry.  It is only then that no one will be able to hear me.  No one will hurry off to find me, save me from the pasty film that clouds my mind.

All it is, is noise.  I've lost the will to try and understand all the mutterings of the bodies around me.  What does it even matter?  None of them are you.  Not one of them is you.  Not yet.  I ask myself how much more will I have to do, have to be, to hear the sound of peace.  The only peace I've ever known lies in the spaces between your fingers, across the blankets of your feather soft skin.  Painting these words, allowing that they dance across, is all that keep me sane.  In this moment, without your face, my music to keep me here, it is words that settle me on solid ground.  I know that the minute I let myself stop, when I finally put the last of these words across these leaves, I'll lose my footing once more.

For now, in these few seconds, I am here.  I am here hoping and praying that someone, anyone will see my plastered smile, see through everything I try to hide.  They tell me it's all just drama, that I'm a bright and shining star, a manipulator of states and faces.  What all do they really understand?  They know nothing of the days of nights and the darkness of before.  They understand so little of the days I lay rattled to my core.  I'll try and tell them now, how many smiles you've brought by.  The moments of serenity as I look into your eyes. The eyes of someone who understands that this isn't just a game.  The one body of all those that cycle the earth that understands that darkness lies in all of us.

I just wish it all to stop, let me curl back into bed, silence all these monstrous waves that crash loudly in my head.  All I truly wish to do is simply close my eyes, run my fingers across your gentle skin and push it all away.  Let there be no more piercing cries, no more subtle squeaks, of all the little things that keep you away from me.  Maybe if I sit here long enough, paint pictures of these words, peace will but surround me in the only way I ask.  But peace is there and I am here, surrounded.  Just say the word and I am yours to take away tonight.