Shadows

I thought I’d gotten over it, numbed the pain like I’ve learned to do with all my other burns.  The truth is though that it all came back.  The memories so clear I can still feel them.  I can still hear their voices as if I’d just talked to them yesterday.  Murmurs I don’t think I’ll be hearing for a while in no place other than my head.

I let them burn me most effectively.  Not that it was their intention.  Things just happened.  And there are times it stings like nothing else can.  But if there’s one thing I know, it is this.  The gash on my heart tell me they existed.  The memories we’ve shared, places we’ve tainted that I’ll never see the same way again, will forever be a part of me.

I don’t know whether to call them the ghosts of my past yet.  Because at some point they loved me just as much as I love them.  Which allows me to only hope that somewhere deep down they still do.  Until then all I can do is wait as I apply the necessary ointment to my wounds.  Maybe, somewhere down the line they’ve got band-aids and will work to be the healers I know they are.

As I wait and hope for that day to approach I’ll let the memories that these shadows of love have given me be a reminder that I was blessed enough to have them in my life.

Some say that full healing comes with time.  Healing however, means that eventually you’ll go back to the way you were before anything ever happened.  How can I allow that to happen when they’ve molded me in their own special ways?  More importantly this method means looking and acting as if it they never existed.  Reality tells me that they have and still do.  And even in it’s bitter end they had reason.  They’ve led me on a journey of self discovery that only they could provide.

I can only hope that with time they find their way back.  If they don’t I hope they know that they’ll never be forgotten.  That both will forever have a safe haven in my heart to call their own.  Even if they don’t fully know it.  I’ve allowed myself to fully love them with no restrictions.  If there’s a second more solid fact that I have learned it’s that the world doesn’t let you feel, just to have it be ripped away.  There is a time and place for everything.

My shadows are me.  The world cannot deny me of this truth.  With truth comes realization.  Slowly but surely I’m walking into the second part.  It’s just a much slower walk.