Where Do I Stand?

Life’s biggest challenge is figuring out where the hell you fit into the horde of millions.  It’s an even bigger challenge when you’ve only lived sheltered by home and classrooms.  Some of life’s biggest lessons are not academic but instead trial and error.  The end result can either bring us joy or unimaginable pain.

Pain, as horrid as it is, shows us that we are only human.  That we are not robots that go about life mechanically. Instead, we are able to feel an array of emotions that show the world who we are.  The way we lead ourselves gives a foreshadowing to the ones around us of who we are as a complete person, and who we hope to further become.

I am but a girl, not a child, but not yet a full adult.  I’m stuck somewhere in between trying to find myself.  The sad reality though, is that life gives you no compass, no shinning star to lead the way.  We are told to walk in with an opaque sheet over our heads and simply walk forward.  In doing so, we can only hope we reach what we want.

What they never told us though, is that life’s path will leave you confused and unsure.  As much as we want to go back and tweak something to make it to our liking, we are driven forward, not by our own choice or desire.  But walk we must.  In our wake we leave triumphs and mistakes.

The rarest aftermath of our errors will leave us with a shadow of pain that will forever be with us no matter how much we want to erase it.  For life is written in pen.  Even when we try and scribble it out, the memories stand behind it.  It hurts even more when you were the one to scribble it out and you can do nothing to change what no longer exists.

The heart is probably the world’s most tender sheet of paper.  On it you express every emotion ever felt and why.  And those emotions can never be unfelt.  You can only hope that it can eventually be overshadowed by something better.

So where do I stand, my feet planted to the earth?  I have nor the ability of a psychic or a time machine to tell me this.  I can only push forward with the sheet over my head and hope that the lost girl can eventually pick a side to stand on and move forward.

I can’t do it on my own yet, that I know for sure.  I have knowledge but not the wisdom to understand.  Until then, it’s all about baby steps to get where I want to be.  And while I make this journey I grasp the hands of those I love most to take the journey with me.  When the time is right, I’ll let go (but not completely) and walk into a world beyond my shelter.  For now I am safe in what I know.  and I think I’ll stay, just where I am.  Until I can make it on my own.