Conflicted

Well, here we are only about five days into summer and there’s already so much going on in my head.  Watching a movie heavy in the romance department was a big help.  So many songs are bringing it all back.  I’m still waking up imagining what we had.  But unless I have the time machine I’ve always hoped for (for which I’m still coming up empty) there’s no way to re-visit the past.  So all I have now are the memories.  I know it was for the best but a small part of me still wonders.  What would we have been if I had stuck it out?  Would we still be as happy as we were when we first started out?  Would those blanks we’d talked about be filled?  The sad thing is, I don’t think I’ll ever find answers to these questions.  I’m just glad we’ve been able to move on and stay friends through it all.

Why the hell did I try again?  All that came of it was the reaffirming of why it didn’t work the first time.  And in the process, (whether it was the domino that started it or just a reactor) I’ve lost my best friend.  We’ve finally been able to talk after a full month of silence.  A shining moment to the end of my high school career to be honest.  As the night went on though I could feel it.  It’s not what it used to be.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, it kills me inside.  To know that all the years we’ve had together came down to this.  The connection as it was, has died.  Either that or it’s seriously buried.  A big part of me hopes for the second one.  In my heart though, I know that wont be the case.  It’s like a ripped piece of paper.  You can use all the tape in the world but the end result will never be what it was as a full sheet.

Even with this painful reality I know for a fact that I’ll never stop caring about her.  She’s got too big a part of me to completely forget.  She’s taught me too much, helped me through too much to just be thrown away like that.  The sad reality is, I don’t have a best friend anymore.  The mere idea tears at me more than I’d like to admit.  I can’t just pick up the phone anymore to talk endlessly about absolutely nothing.  At least not for a while.  The dreams we had of our future as sisters who could make it through anything has been tainted.  I guess she’s not who I thought she was.  I was blinded by the features I wanted to see rather than what was actually there under the surface.  Or maybe the month apart has made us so different that there’s nothing to connect us, bond us as strongly as before.

But even in this, I know I have bonds I can depend on to help me through this mixed up, mashed up time in my life.  I believe that this has allowed me to grow closer to them then I ever thought possible.  And I can’t help but thank them for helping me in moving on from the unexpected hurt.  It’s still there but has numbed a great deal from what it was.  I guess it just reminds me of one of the many phrases I follow.  “The only people you need in your life are the ones who need you in theirs.”  Maybe she doesn’t need me anymore.  And maybe I’m starting to realize that I don’t need her as much as I used to.  And maybe we’ll find our way back to each other.  Only time will truly tell.

All I do know is that things are changing.  It’s just going to take time for my mind and heart to catch up to these changes.  I’m more than grateful to those who are willing to help me get there because I know for a fact that I would be completely lost if sent on this journey by myself.  My compasses have been an amazing help.

As I write this I’m listening to songs that really aren’t helping…  But I guess that’s the joy of music.  Being able to connect with it enough to fully understand it.  Even if they convey memories you’d like to dim they’re still ironically therapeutic.  I guess you could look at it like junk food.  You know it’s not good for you, you know it’s going to be consequential, but you eat it anyway.  A form of torture that’s strangely enjoyable.  I look at it as something that shows you that you in fact are human, that you are capable of emotion, whichever those emotions may be. 

“Never regret something that once made you smile.”  I think I’ve only found one exception to that.  Everything else has allowed me to grow as a person.  Watering of a flower that’s waiting to blossom. Life is never all sunshine and rainbows.  That I’ve learned early on in life.  Through understanding it, I’ve learned to accept that it’s just a part of life.  If it was all easy, where would the challenge be?  What would the joy of the good things in life truly mean?

So even though most of it hurts I know it has to happen.  If it’s truly meant to change for the better or stay the same for that same reason, I’m slowly moving on.  I’ve opened a new chapter in life.  A chapter that involves events and people to better myself as a person.  As hard as it is to realize, these minuscule shifts are all going to mount to an end result that is needed in the world.  Just like moving on, it’ll take me a while to get there.  In the mean time, I shall walk the path with company that allows me to live, laugh, and love just a little bit more every day.